Image:TheWhite?

House

JAREDisapproachingtheOvalOfficetoaskTRUMPifhecanrelinquishsomeofhisresponsibilities。

Hisportfolio,heplanstoargue,isquitelargeforsomeonealsobeingpersonallyinvestigatedbyROBERTMUELLER。

KELLYANNECONWAYintervenesandinvitesJAREDtoplayteam-buildingexercisessheiscoordinatinginthehallwayoutsideheroffice。

IVANKAishavinglunchwithherpersonallawyer,whichmeansthatJAREDisalsobabysittingtheKUSHNERCHILDREN。

KELLYANNECONWAY[inbabytalkvoice]:Isit‘TakeYourAdorableChildrentoWork’day?

Where’s?

mom?

KUSHNERCHILDREN[inunison]:Meetingwithher?

lawyer

JARED[guiltily]:Our?

lawyer。

KUSHNERCHILDREN[inunison]?

Her。

JAREDlookspleadinglyathisdaughter。

JARED’SDAUGHTER[sensibly]:Herlawyer?

dad。

JAREDwhisperstohischildrenandthentextshismom’scleaningladySTEFAtogofindhismom。

WhenSTEFAneverresponds,JAREDpoststoFacebook,lookingforrecommendationsforattorneysintheDC?

area。

KELLYANNECONWAY[puttingonhermetaphoricaltourguidehat]:ThisistheexacthallwayGeorgeStephanopoulosthrewupinbecauseH?

—?

[KELLYANNECONWAYclapstotheTRUMPADMINISTRATION。

]?

—?

we’recallingherHnow。

[KELLYANNECONWAYkneelsdown,makingsofteyecontactwiththeKUSHNERCHILDREN。

]BecauseHscreamedathimso?

nastily。

JARED’ssonwhisperstohimthathehastogotothebathroom。

JARED[babysitting]:Doyouknowwhereit?

is?

JARED’sson?

nods。

JARED[gesturingtothebathroomneartheOvalOffice]:OK,then。

Textmewhenyou’refinished。

KELLYANNECONWAY[passiveaggressively,toJARED]:We’redoingicebreakersandotherget-to-know-yougames。

Werealizedwewouldn’tbeinsomuchtroubleifweactuallyknewsomethingaboutthepeoplewework?

with。

BEKAHMERCER[diabolically]:Trust?

falls。

KELLYANNECONWAY[aggressively,toREINCEPRIEBUS]:Whyisshehere?

ThisiswhatI’mtalkingabout。

Donorsmixingwithstaffersmixingwithforeignpowers。

Itstopsnow。

[KELLYANNECONWAYaddressestheKUSHNERCHILDRENwarmly。

]You’rejustintimefortwotruthsandalie。

SarahHuckabeeSanders,pleasego?

first。

SARAHHUCKABEESANDERS[truthfully]:WheneverI’matanATM,Icoverthecameralenssohackersorwhoevercan’treadmyPIN?

number。

KELLYANNECONWAY[passiveaggressively,toJARED]:It’scommonsense。

Theycanseeusfromthosethings。

Safety?

first。

SARAHHUCKABEESANDERS[truthfully]:Numbertwo。

Ionlygotthisjobbecauseofwhomyfatheris?



SEANSPICER[walkinginwhileeatingacheeseburgersubsandwich]:That’sthe?

lie。

SARAHHUCKABEESANDERS[surprisingevenherself]:That’sactuallytrue。

ShouldIkeep?

going?

KELLYANNEwavesSARAHHUCKABEESANDERSonasSEANSPICERasksREINCEPRIEBUSifhehasanail?

clipper。

SARAHHUCKABEESANDERS[lying]:Igotmystartinpoliticsregisteringpeopletovoteandthenshreddingtheirregistrationformsbeforetheinkeven?

dried。

KELLYANNECONWAY[happily]:That’sthelie。

Republicanswouldneverregisteranyonetovote。

Reince,you’re?

up。

REINCEPRIEBUS[cooperatively]:One。

IalwaysthoughtI’dworkintheWhiteHousebutneverunderthesecircumstances。

KELLYANNECONWAY[fakesnoring]:Nevermind,it’smyturn。

Reince,we’refiringyou,andhiringashowrunner。

TheAmericanpeoplearehavingtroublefollowingalltheplotlinesandweneedsomeonewithstoryexperience。

That’sone。

Two。

ThePresidenthiredmebecauseIknowhowtocampaigntowomenwhohateother?

women。

REINCEPRIEBUSleakstotheNewYorkTimesthatheisfiring?

himself。

KELLYANNECONWAY[lookingdirectlyintoacamerathatisnotthere]:Andthree。

I’mkindofthemotherhenaroundhere。

[KELLYANNECONWAYcurtsiesinexplicably。

]Everyone,there’sbirthdaycakeintheminifridgethatIsavedforarainy?

day。

JAREDstaresathisphone,waitingforhisson’stextthatheisdoneinthebathroom。

Hismindwanders,andheremembershisfriendSeth’skarate-themedbirthdayparty,whentheywereeight。

JAREDwasthelastchildtobepickedupfromthedojo。

STEFAwaslatebecauseherownsonhadthechickenpox。

JAREDcan’tbelievethatheoncecalledSTEFA?

‘Mom。



KELLYANNECONWAY[snappingherfingers]:EarthtoJared。

Doyouwantanybirthday?

cake?

JAREDthinksaboutwhatahasslethecakewillbetoenterintoMyFitnessPalandwalksawaytofindhismentor,GARYCOHN。

There’saloudscreechoutside。

It’sSTEVEBANNONonacrotchrocket。

HestormsintotheWhiteHousedressedlikeaVietnamvetwhowould’vevotedforNixonbecausehebelievedhewouldendthewarbutgotinabarbrawlwithsomeBlackPanthersandwashospitalizedinstead。

STEVEBANNON[alcoholonhisbreath]:WhohadAthlete’sfootandwhothefuckshoweredinthebathroomofftheOval?

Office?

KELLYANNECONWAY[puttingonhermetaphoricalnunhabit]:Steve,quietdown。

You’regoingtogetPresidentTrumpallriled?

up。

BEKAHMERCER[maniacally]:Wewanthimriledup。

Wewanthimshatteringoldconstructs。

KELLYANNECONWAY:Onlyliberalssay“construct。

”WhenIwasinlawschoolthisassholeIknewusedtothinkhewasfunnywhenhesaidthatmurderisaconstruct。

[KELLYANNECONWAYpivotstowardsREINCEPRIEBUS。

]Canyoudoyourjobonelasttimeandgetheroutof?

here?

REINCEPRIEBUSwalksaway,defiantly,intendingtowhoopitupwithsomealphamales,butfindingJAREDinstead。

JAREDisreadinganissueofTheEconomistfromthearraythatGARYCOHN’sadminhasspreadoutlikeit’sadoctor’soffice,butforpeoplewhobelievethatdeclaringbankruptcyisapersonalfailingandnotthedirectcauseofmedical?

bills。

JARED[elevatorpitching]:I’mworkingonmynewbusinessidea。

It’smicrofinancingbutforthewhiteworking?

class。

REINCEPRIEBUS[conservatively]:Ilikeyourspirit,bud,butthat’scalledSocialSecuritydisabilityinsurance,whichweare?

against。

JARED[losinghisaudience]:Well,they’remicropayments。

They’dbevery?

small。

REINCEPRIEBUS[standinguptocheckontheSenateRepublicans]:Right。

Well,wecantalkaboutthis?

later。

IVANKAslipsinquietly。

ShewhisperstoJAREDthatsheknowsheisgoingtoflipon?

them。

KELLYANNECONWAY[puttingonhermetaphoricalwomanwhohatesotherwomenhat]:Lookwho’sdecidedtograceuswithherpresence。

[KELLYANNECONWAYkneelsdownandmakessofteyecontactwiththeKUSHNERCHILDREN。

]Children,it’syour?

mother。

IVANKA[powerfully]:Whyareyouaddressingthemsocomfortably?

What’sgoingon?

here?

KELLYANNECONWAY:We’replayingtwotruthsandalie。

Sowecangettoknoweachother?

better。

IVANKA[whiletextinghermainstreammediabackchannelsthatsheandJAREDorchestratedherfather’spivotontheDREAMERchildren]:HowmanytimesdoIhavetotellyou?

It’salllies,Kellyanne。

It’s。

All?

Lies。

KELLYANNE[truthfully]:Incaseyouhaven’tnoticed,BobMuellerisassemblingateamofIvyLeagueAvengerstodestroyus?

all。

JARED[channelingasimplertime,theNBAFinals,fivedaysago]:I’mnotonasuper?

team。

IVANKA[calmly,toJARED]:Whoareyouevertalkingto?

Ithoughtyouhadtomeetwithmyfather。

He’sinthere?

now。

JAREDrises。

HeopensYouTubeonhisphone,putsinhisheadphones,andwatchesthe“It’snotyourfault”scenefromGoodWillHuntingthreetimesbeforeknockingonhisfather-in-law’sdoor。

MeanwhilehisdaughterexplainstoKELLYANNECONWAYthatyoueatEthiopianfoodwiththisspongybreadnotutensils,andhissonreappears,totellJAREDthathecouldn’tfindthebathroombuthereallyhastogo?